After my 91-year-old grandfather died, it took my mother three years to sort through the mountain of paperwork and memorabilia he’d collected over seven decades with my grandmother. As I dread to think about my own mother’s mortality—especially after losing my father unexpectedly two years ago—I worry that I’ll end up in the same mess as I try to process the grief.
My Type A wiring makes me want to get straight to work cleaning out drawers and closets when I’m at her house, but bringing this topic up with my healthy, albeit aging, parent feels morbid and more than a little insensitive.
Psychiatrist Helen Lavretsky, who specializes in geriatric mental health and teaches at UCLA, says it’s common to avoid such discussions out of fear of death or because you don’t want to seem controlling. But she says there’s a way to handle the conversation tactfully, mainly by emphasizing that you’re interested in knowing — and respecting — your parents’ wishes and preferences regarding their personal belongings.
If you’re ready to have the talk about tidying up with your parents, here’s what else experts recommend.
How to start
Sharon Praissman Fisher, founder of Nurtured Well, an online and in-person therapy provider, says the biggest mistake adult children make is having a one-sided conversation in their heads about the situation.
“They visit mom and dad, feel overwhelmed, and then they mentally start the process themselves,” she says. “Instead, it’s much better to take an interest in what your parents are thinking and feeling about downsizing.”
Instead of telling them to get rid of their stuff, Fisher advises asking the questions in a more neutral way: How do you like maintaining this house? Have you ever thought about downsizing? Are you planning to stay here indefinitely?
The answers can help you set clear intentions and goals as a first step in the process. “Write them down and refer to them when emotions are high,” Fisher says. This theme of respecting your parents’ autonomy should continue throughout the process, she adds. Instead of assuming a leadership role when it’s time to start purging, ask what they need from you or gently suggest ways you can help.
Jennifer Collie, a senior associate at Pfeffer Torode Architecture who specializes in aging in place, recommends identifying each family member’s role and level of involvement in the project from the start to set boundaries and avoid overwhelming parents. “Give your parents the power to direct the scope, pace, and goal setting,” she advises. “Parents may prefer to simply advise what is and isn’t fair to purge.” From there, other family members or professional helpers can be tapped into the actual process of sorting and removing items.
take your time
Once your parents are on board and it’s time to start decluttering, experts advise taking a gradual approach. First, rushing a purge is a surefire way to accidentally throw out something meaningful or valuable. Second, going slowly can keep the project from feeling overwhelming.
“This is a walk down memory lane, so give yourself time to process both the good and the bad,” Fisher says. “I like the KonMari method: thanking the item and recognizing that it served its purpose.”
Lavretsky suggests turning organizing into a group activity by holding a “spring or winter cleaning ceremony” to clear out old memories and make room for new ones. “Or consider setting up a simple decluttering program by getting rid of bits of stuff at a time,” she adds.
Collie recommends sorting possessions by what’s essential, what’s beautiful, and what’s sentimental. Categorizing items “breaks the process down into more manageable steps,” she says.
Lindsay Kratzer, founder of Reflections Management and Care, a senior support organization in New York City, suggests color-coding the piles with sticky notes — “like red for don’t take, yellow for donate or give away, green for good to go,” she explains. “This gives you an organized way to look at what’s important and allows your parents to stay in control.”
For items that may be valuable, or for parents with a larger amount of possessions, it is often helpful to hire an expert who can auction the items or sell them online.
Jacquie Denny, co-founder of Everything But The House, is one such estate planner who has been helping families downsize for more than 35 years. When older adults move into smaller homes, they typically take only 25 percent of their belongings with them, she says. Of the 75 percent that remains, there’s usually a market for about 60 percent.
“Remember to give mom and dad grace,” Denny says. “If they get stuck somewhere, reexamine it and let them come to the conclusion that they don’t need to continue.”
What to do with your parents’ stuff
Your parents probably want to give some of their belongings to you and other family members. “My grandmother would give virtually everyone who came to her house a shopping bag of items she had chosen from her home, carefully picked out for the recipient before they arrived,” says Collie. “This was a routine practice of hers for many years before she passed.”
While you’ll undoubtedly be happy—even touched—to inherit some of the items, the awkward part comes when your mom or dad tries to send you home with something you don’t really want. While these situations can be tough to navigate, Fisher suggests gently telling the truth, rather than accepting the item and then donating it yourself later. Otherwise, she points out, “what happens if they ask to see it when they come to your house?”
And whether your parents want to give them to you or not, be considerate when you comment on their belongings. “Don’t assume that something you find unattractive or dated doesn’t have value to[them],” says Jacalyn Ollivant, a designer at California Closets Greater Washington, DC. “My minimalist kids might not appreciate my collection of Roseville Pottery or my chintz china, but collecting those items over many years can represent many incremental moments of joy.”
When it comes to deciding what to donate, Denny says it’s often easier to let go if you focus on the difference the items can make for someone else. For example, “books that aren’t collectible[can]go to the library,” she says. “Being aware of opportunities to share things you don’t need anymore can help you downsize with purpose.”
Kratzer echoes that sentiment. She encourages choosing organizations that are meaningful to your parents — old furniture can go to a local nonprofit or shelter, for example, and towels and blankets are always in demand at animal rescues. “We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone,” she says.
Kristin Luna is a Nashville-based writer who writes about interior design, art, travel, and food.
