But there is one last hurdle that will test the compatibility of your relationship: meeting up and having dinner with the family. Oh, and the wild card? You are Chinese, your lover is not.
How do families deal with the nutritional conflicts that come with entering into a multicultural relationship? Photo: Shutterstock
“Are the White Husbands invited?” My Chinese friends like to share this private joke in our WhatsApp group every time we meet up.
To clarify, in my view, “white husband” is a demographic that includes white boyfriends, white girlfriends, and any type of serious partner who is not Chinese.
The real underlying message of the question is that when the White Husbands come, we unfortunately won’t be able to eat the dishes we really want to eat.
If you are looking to join your Chinese partner’s family, read this advice carefully, because the dinner table will be the true test of your relationship…
My friends and I have been known to sometimes decline their invitations just so we could eat ourselves. Kimchi And durian in our safe space, without judgement.
And even though I no longer have a white husband, it still got me thinking: how do we, as people who are so picky about our food, deal with the nutritional conflicts that come with a multicultural relationship?
So take note, all potential white husbands! Should you wish to integrate into your Chinese partner’s family, read this advice carefully, because the dinner table will be the true test of your relationship…
I started my research by asking my British-Chinese friends what their reasons were for turning down a multicultural relationship.
The same complaints came back to me, such as the new partner who insisted on ordering his own dish instead of eating like the family did, or who found it difficult to try different dishes.
Steamed fish heads with chopped hot red peppers. This may seem intimidating to someone who is not used to “fancy” Chinese home cooking. Photo: Shutterstock If there is one dish on the table that seems to cause the most anxiety, it is undoubtedly a whole steamed fish.
This is made even more emotional by the fact that we are talking about ‘fancy’ Chinese home-cooked food, meaning that someone’s mother has (usually) gone to the market that day to buy the biggest, freshest snapper or sea bream she can afford.
My friend Y was furious when she told how her husband – when the fish head was turned towards him, in the customary gesture of respect for the guest of honour – was given nothing but rice and vegetables during the meal.
I sympathize with those who never grew up learning to appreciate a whole fish—eyeballs, gills included—let alone handle one with a pair of chopsticks, but I also understand how this struck a chord with Y.
Alcohol is another gray area. While Westerners may not think much of having a few beers or glasses of wine with dinnerit is still considered taboo during the Chinese family meal, especially in the presence of the more conservative older generation.
I think there are few things sadder in a relationship than not being able to enjoy the same food, or at least not having the same appetite.
It doesn’t hurt to watch what others are drinking, and only accept a drink if it’s offered. When in doubt, drink tea.
On the other hand, my friend S told me how her British boyfriend won over her intimidating father – a former narcotics cop, of all things – by pulling an all-nighter baijiu with him in Beijing, even though they did not speak each other’s language.
Some of my friends felt alienated by their partners’ attitudes toward their eating habits.
These attitudes can be as innocent as bewilderment over an obsession with not just eating food but also talking about eating food—to the point that you might enjoy one delicious meal while planning the next—and as disturbing as calling certain food preferences weird or gross.
I think there are few things in a relationship as sad as not being able to enjoy the same food, or at least not having the same appetite.
In Chinese culture, cooking a whole steamed fish for a guest and offering the head is considered to bestow the highest honor. Photo: Jenny Lau
There will always be compromises, but I’ve heard of people who changed their diet for their partner to such an extent that they felt like they were dying a slow, self-imposed cultural death.
When children are brought into the equation, I see my friends feel reborn to fight for their cause, hoping to instill in them an appreciation for Chinese food. mixed race children.
I was encouraged to hear more triumphs than horror stories. White friends, you are lucky; the bar is set pretty low for you.
Apparently, all you have to do to impress Chinese parents is use chopsticks correctly, learn a few Chinese expressions of appreciation, and train your stomach to be a bottomless compost pile.
I’ve heard hilarious anecdotes about White Boyfriends bravely making their way through plates that magically reloaded themselves. “Freshman 15” – a term used to describe weight gain during a student’s first year of college – is nothing compared to dating a Chinese girl.
Not only is food extremely important to Chinese culture, but the dining table is also a theater where past, present, and potential family relationships play out.
To score extra points, my friend H taught her husband to eat chicken off the bone, signaling to her parents that he was both a bon vivant and a frugal person.
However, these standards do not apply to White Girlfriends, who apparently harbor a masochistic death wish because they wanted a relationship with a Chinese mother’s adorable son.
According to my friend B, his German girlfriend was mercilessly interrogated about her plans to have children in the second month of dating.
Her physical health became a matter of communal concern for the meddling aunts; she eventually proved her qualities when she learned how to cook her mother-in-law’s tonic soups.
At the end of the day, the White Husbands might ask themselves, “Why do we have to get it right when we eat with family?” It’s not only that food is especially important to Chinese culture, but also that the dinner table is a theater where past, present, and potential family relationships play out.
Apparently, all white boyfriends need to do to impress Chinese parents is use their chopsticks correctly, learn a few phrases of appreciation, and train their stomachs to be a bottomless pit. Photo: Shutterstock
Mastering the etiquette and ambiguity of Chinese eating customs may seem as elusive as the language itself.
It’s a chance to prove that you’re worthy of being part of the family.
With that in mind, here are my final tips for all the white spouses hoping for a harmonious relationship when it comes to food.
When there is no shared language, you must speak with actions. Be respectful. Serve elders, children, and your spouse before yourself. Do not take too much, but do not refuse food either.
A gift of well-selected fruits is always considered a thoughtful gesture
Don’t make fun of anyone’s delicacy. Give your in-laws a big compliment about the dish you like best, but be warned: they will cook it for you until you can’t stand it anymore.
Never show up to a gathering empty-handed, even if you expect to pay the bill (it’s not uncommon for fights to break out over payment, but I wouldn’t recommend hitting your future father-in-law either).
In our culture, we keep metaphorical receipts; imagine a mental ledger that keeps track of the ongoing exchanges of hospitality. A gift of well-chosen fruit is always considered a thoughtful gesture.
And if all else fails, learn from my greatest achievement: I taught my white husband to call restaurants a day in advance to give his credit card information.
