Welcome to “Asking Eric,” a new daily advice column from R. Eric Thomas, replacing Amy Dickinson’s “Ask Amy.” You can her last column here.
Dear Eric: I am a self-published fiction author. I really struggle with jealousy and despair. Every time I see a published book or walk into a bookstore, I feel a wave of sadness. I try to get my books out there, get all the reviews I can, and promote myself on social media, but it feels impossible.
A friend just told me that she won’t try a new author unless they have thousands of good reviews on Amazon or Goodreads. My last book got about 20 good reviews after weeks of persistence. How do I keep going? How do I redirect my thoughts when jealousy/despair sets in?
Author: I worry that you are measuring your achievements by someone else’s yardstick. You have published a book. That was the goal at one time. So you have already achieved a measure of success. Of course, we all have dreams of recognition, but those dreams are rarely the right size. Do you want to be a famous author or do you want to be an author who reaches readers who appreciate you?
This is a career field where jealousy lurks around every corner, but the success of others does not diminish us. You are not competing with other authors, you are competing with your own expectations. Ask yourself: if you had thousands of reviews, would that be enough? You are enough, so let’s reframe your goals to help you feel that way more often.
Your friend is entitled to her own selection process, but thousands of reviews is an unrealistic number. To get that, every author, even Emily Henrys and John Grishams, needs the support of dozens, if not hundreds, of people employed by the big publishers. Meanwhile, you worked your butt off and got those 20 reviews on your own. That’s huge!
If there’s an author whose career you’d like to emulate, reach out to them to find out how they got where they are, but make sure that comparison will help you. As writer Freddie DeBoer recently noted in an issue of his Substack newsletter titled “Publishing Is Designed to Make Most Authors Feel Like Losers, Even as the Industry Makes Money,” “writing is also an intensely personal endeavor, and so rejection from the various apparatchiks who decide who’s in and who’s out can feel particularly cruel.” Think carefully about whose approval you’re seeking (hopefully your own) and what you’re trying to achieve. Remember that the authors you’re looking at may have different goals than you do, and are probably feeling that old jealousy, too.
Finally, I can’t say enough about building relationships with independent booksellers and librarians. Get to know the ones in your circle. Even if you publish exclusively e-books, these professionals can help you understand the decision-making that leads readers to books, and ultimately to those online review sites.
Dear Eric: I’m in my mid-60s. Sometimes when I meet people I haven’t seen in a while, like from college, I hear, “You haven’t changed a bit.” I used to have shoulder-length hair. Now I’m bald and what I have left is cut really short. How do I respond to such nonsense and still maintain a good attitude toward them?
—Her hair gone yesterday, today
Her: I understand your sentiment as a fellow member of the shaved club (it’s cheaper! it’s cooler! But oh, that sunscreen!). Still, you have to take the compliment in the spirit in which it’s given. Sure, you’ve changed physically, but maybe your energy is the same. Or maybe they just find it flattering. When the mood suits say, “Oh, I’ve changed — I’ve gotten better.”
Dear Eric: My partner (husband) and I have been together for 18 years. My sister-in-law created a “family tree” and gave copies to all of our family members as gifts. Upon closer inspection, my “husband” was not listed in the tree, indicating that I am single. My sister-in-law and her family do not believe in gay marriage. What should I do about this insult?
Wedding: Luckily, the very existence of your relationship doesn’t depend on what your sister-in-law doesn’t believe in. Long-term relationships aren’t Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, they’re mostly taking out the trash and texting each other to pick up things at the grocery store. (They’re also emotional support and caring and devotion and all that stuff.) I’m sure you’ve had this head-banging conversation with your in-laws, but you should express your displeasure with the tree as a way to set an expectation of the respect you want. Once you’ve had your say, throw the “gift” in the trash and order your own proper tree and give it to your family.
(Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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